One of the most basic keys to battling any fear of intimacy is a willingness to accept uncertainty.
Doesn’t that look nice and simple on paper (er, the screen)? In reality, we all know that’s quite something to overcome, especially when our hearts have been banged around and hurt. Many times these past wounds cause us to build up neat little walls without even realizing it.
How do we even begin?
I can tell you that it does NOT begin with finding a romantic partner you hope will save you or make you happy or reassure you or give promises or fix the mistakes others have made. Instead, it starts with loving and developing a relationship with Self. Can you look yourself square in the eyes in the mirror and tell yourself (out loud), ‘I love you.’ Go try! Can you do it? Does it feel silly? Why?
Once we can really see and believe in our own value, rejection and uncertainty are not as frightening. When we know we are beautiful and smart and worthy and complete and whole, everything else is simply someone’s opinion. Realizing that we have everything we need within ourselves, we are able to create healthy, energetic boundaries in our personal relationships and, as a result, be more open with giving our Love freely to others – because we aren’t looking to others to GIVE us our worth. (!!!)
That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. For me, it’s been more of a ‘two steps forward and one step back’ kind of dance, but I’m getting there. :)
Oftentimes these fears and insecurities were developed long ago; perhaps in childhood, or in one of our earliest intimate relationships that ended badly and left a scar. I encourage you to sit in meditation and explore these fears…challenge yourself and ask, ‘Why….’ It takes some digging but when I’ve uncovered something I was previously afraid to look at, it suddenly becomes so clear: Of COURSE I felt that way when X,Y, or Z happened! But now that I am older and wiser I know better, and I can let go of that false belief because it no longer serves me.
Explore explore explore. I know it’s scary. And some days I just don’t have the energy to work at it either. But I keep coming back, because the payoffs are tremendous. That wall is crumbling down, one chip at a time. My new favorite word is ‘Why.’ When I feel tense, when I feel defensive. When I feel afraid, when I feel aggravated. When I feel triggered in some way. Why? It’s amazing how deep that tiny little word can take you. Most of the time it’s the ego needing to be fed, and when we question it, we disarm it.
As we clear the old misbeliefs, negative self-talk and falsehoods from our lives and allow ourselves to really see our intrinsic goodness, our auras begin to expand. We attract more positive people and experiences into our lives – and when we radiate Love, there is no room for anything less.