I miss inhaling the scent of skin, hair, and freshly washed clothes as I’m embraced in a tight hug – feeling warm breath on my neck – reminding me that I do, in fact, matter. I miss the intertwining of legs and feet, no words needed, just touch that happens without thinking about it. I miss comfortable silence.
I miss the ease that accompanies having a good thing.
I needed freedom. Time to find out who I am on my own. I wanted a chance to get to get to know myself, and discovered I like her. A lot. I needed time to cultivate friendships and be there for others and also learn to depend on them to be there for me. I needed time to say ‘yes’ to people and places and things that scare me.
I needed solitude to reflect on how to be an adult in relationships going forward. And for a long time I just didn’t miss anything. I felt free and unencumbered and blissful. Now that I’m learning who I am, I’m discovering what I miss. What is important for my next adventure? What are the weaknesses that I still need to work on? What kind of partner do I want to be?
It isn’t easy to sit through the discomfort, to ride the waves of insecurity and fear and anxiety that show up unexpectedly and yell, ‘What if no one ever loves me again?’ This isn’t the Observer, this isn’t the True Self speaking. I know that now. While I have chosen time and time again to run away from that voice with one distraction or another, I’m trying to be brave enough to listen now. And I’m getting better at recognizing the inner child who is simply begging to be soothed. Sometimes just showing her that I hear her is enough. I am worthy. I matter. I am Loved. I am LOVE. And I’m learning……